Struggles still abound

I had a revelation today. I actually had Mental Therapy, and it was amazingly wonderful.
I fantasize a lot. Sort of my way of coping with things. I have done this since a child. Sometimes the fantasies are of real things that have actually happened, which really just makes them replays of an event, but what I do in many of them is I will recreate the event in my mind, and play it out, sometimes with desired outcomes, other times not so good.
I also have straight up created fantasies, from start to finish. Sometimes I'll throw in some true elements.
Well today was a created fantasy about my mother, though it didn't start out that way.
I was a suicidal teen, and seriously depressed. I had gotten my hands on a gun, and one of my siblings seen me with it, and I ran off with it. The sibling went and told my father, who then he frantically looked for me.
He finds me by some water bank. I was tearful. he asked me why did I have a gun. I asked him if he knew how it felt to feel worthless. Somehow I was able to feel his rising inpatients.
His voice raised, out of desperation, and asked "Do you want to die???" I replied no, but then told him I felt real bad, and didn't know why nor did I understand why I always felt so bad all the time (In real I felt bad like that, but not suicidal).
I told him it felt like something was forcing me to do this, but I really didn't want to.
He repetitiously kept telling me to put the gun down. "Give me the gun. " I'd refuse and pull away from him.
Emotions we building, anxiety was strong. I'm searching for an explanation. I kept crying, telling and yelling "I FEEL SO BAD ALL THE TIME! Daddy, what do I do? Why, why do I feel bad all the time? Daddy I need and answer". With a quiver in his voice, he says, "I don't know baby. I wish I did, but I don't know".
At some point I got real close to him, and suddenly I was hugging him tightly, sobbing uncontrollably repeating my questions as a child would. Then out of my own mouth, I said "I need my Mom."
He consolingly said,"I know baby, I know. But your mother is sick".
My voice began to raise,"Why does she have to be sick? Why do I have to have a mother who is sick? Why is she sick all the time?" He'd say "I don't know why, baby".
While this played out in my mind, tears began to flood my eyes, because there was some truth to this.
For one thing, I wished my father was more receptive to my pain back then, and had seen my heart so bruised.
Secondly, my Mother was alive, with no cancer; not in a wheel chair; rarely up and about. Most of the time, wasting away in her bed, sleeping her life away. Never taking me for walks, never chatting with me, rarely hugging me, never singing to me, and very scarcely telling me she loved me. I didn't even think she liked me at all. I cry even now as I write this.
I realized, that I felt bad all the time, because of the absence on maternal attention I craved.
In this fantasy, my father understood, hugged and held me, as I cried on his shoulder.
But in reality, I never got that from anyone. So, maybe some of that was because Daddy didn't pay attention either.
The saddest part now is my guilt, of passing this on to my own daughter who is now 14 and as mixed up as I was. The only difference is she found a place to go with it. I never had one. So, it just sat dormant for years and years.
I love her so much though. I try to tell her this every chance I get.
Where I repeated myself, was when she was little, I sat in front of a computer, and shut out the world, including her, even though I was aware of her, I didn't show her much affection even though I know it was in my heart to do so. I just sat there and let it go.
I'm so mad at myself for it. I hate that I did that.
I did hug her and tell her I loved her. But I didn't do it enough, and I never played with her. That was so wrong of me. I can't get those days back. I can remember all the times she asked me to play barbie with her and I didn't. All the times she drug out a game and asked me to play with her, and I didn't. That must have hurt her so bad. I am so ashamed I did that. I really don't deserve her.
Saying sorry will never make up for it. I guess I'm getting what I deserve.
I am so sorry I didn't give her what she so deserved.
All I did was manifested my pain on to her.
Baby Girl, I love you so very much, it hurts. Your my heart, and i love you more then life itself. I waited a long time for you. I know I wasn't a good Mom. But know this baby, I do love you, and I am truly sorry for being such a disappointment.
God Bless you. Please, don't lose your faith.