Well Thanksgiving turned out real nice for me. Spent it with my hard to cope with daughter who I love so dearly.
I picked her up that say from her Auntie Dawn's house and took her to her Uncle Rich's house where we pigged out. Let her visit her father a bit, then I took her back to her Aunties house we we had thanksgiving dinner yet again. I do hate to compare but wow, her Auntie made an awesome turkey.
When we got there, her Auntie's Mom was smashed. But she wasn't any trouble. It ended well, and i am Thankful for that.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
She's been gone too long already. I miss her so much. Trying to be patient, and let her discover herself, but its taking too long.
Tomorrows Thanksgiving. It's hard to be grateful when alone, and missing my babies. I feel as if I have lost my world. Gone with the wind. I feel empty. Tearful. Sad. Wishing life would finally end for me. It hurts that my children just don't seem to love me, like I had hoped they would. I wasn't the best Mom, but I was the best Mom I knew how to be. I never wanted to be the kind of mother my own mother was. I never had a maternal teacher. I wasn't around younger kids much, growing up.
Well I gotta get off this pity pot. Bye for now.
Tomorrows Thanksgiving. It's hard to be grateful when alone, and missing my babies. I feel as if I have lost my world. Gone with the wind. I feel empty. Tearful. Sad. Wishing life would finally end for me. It hurts that my children just don't seem to love me, like I had hoped they would. I wasn't the best Mom, but I was the best Mom I knew how to be. I never wanted to be the kind of mother my own mother was. I never had a maternal teacher. I wasn't around younger kids much, growing up.
Well I gotta get off this pity pot. Bye for now.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
School Meeting
School meeting was held at Lane Tech in room 155 at 1:20pm today.
Me, Jack Cox, his intern, Meredith (Guidance Counselor), Mr. Yaffy or Laffy ( I forgot) were there, though we waited for another, who apparently never showed, and then Chailey came later on. We sat around and discussed Chailey and how to help her through whatever it is, she is going through, because her education was suffering. She had 15 absences, and the year just started, and missed her mid terms.
I gave them some background, and was honest with them. They can't help her if I'm covering things up. I just want her to have every chance she deserves to live a happy and prosperous life with the love and support I never had.
We talked about her home life, her outrageous behaviors, my relationship with her; her relationship with her father. I even threw in my ideas on why she is acting this way, as well has what a lousy Mom I was to her, and how I had wished I did things differently.
The put her on attendance check, where she must see the attendance taker, and he gives her a slip, and each teacher must sign it, and she must return it to him at the end of the day.
She's been going to school for 3 days straight now, and we wondered what the change was. I guess its because the first part was over and in her mind, started a clean slate, but I did tell her she needed to study the things they learned before, because she will be tested on it in the end of the year.
I mentioned her goals, and brought it up with her there, so they knew she actually had a goal in life. It doesn't surprise me that she wants to be a Psychologist, with all the mental illness in her family. This poor kid is surrounded by unstable people on both sides of her family.
In truth, she is a great kid, and has so much potential. I don't want her to waste it. I have seen this happen to too many people. I don't want her to be a statistic.
Me, Jack Cox, his intern, Meredith (Guidance Counselor), Mr. Yaffy or Laffy ( I forgot) were there, though we waited for another, who apparently never showed, and then Chailey came later on. We sat around and discussed Chailey and how to help her through whatever it is, she is going through, because her education was suffering. She had 15 absences, and the year just started, and missed her mid terms.
I gave them some background, and was honest with them. They can't help her if I'm covering things up. I just want her to have every chance she deserves to live a happy and prosperous life with the love and support I never had.
We talked about her home life, her outrageous behaviors, my relationship with her; her relationship with her father. I even threw in my ideas on why she is acting this way, as well has what a lousy Mom I was to her, and how I had wished I did things differently.
The put her on attendance check, where she must see the attendance taker, and he gives her a slip, and each teacher must sign it, and she must return it to him at the end of the day.
She's been going to school for 3 days straight now, and we wondered what the change was. I guess its because the first part was over and in her mind, started a clean slate, but I did tell her she needed to study the things they learned before, because she will be tested on it in the end of the year.
I mentioned her goals, and brought it up with her there, so they knew she actually had a goal in life. It doesn't surprise me that she wants to be a Psychologist, with all the mental illness in her family. This poor kid is surrounded by unstable people on both sides of her family.
In truth, she is a great kid, and has so much potential. I don't want her to waste it. I have seen this happen to too many people. I don't want her to be a statistic.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Struggles still abound
I had a revelation today. I actually had Mental Therapy, and it was amazingly wonderful.
I fantasize a lot. Sort of my way of coping with things. I have done this since a child. Sometimes the fantasies are of real things that have actually happened, which really just makes them replays of an event, but what I do in many of them is I will recreate the event in my mind, and play it out, sometimes with desired outcomes, other times not so good.
I also have straight up created fantasies, from start to finish. Sometimes I'll throw in some true elements.
Well today was a created fantasy about my mother, though it didn't start out that way.
I was a suicidal teen, and seriously depressed. I had gotten my hands on a gun, and one of my siblings seen me with it, and I ran off with it. The sibling went and told my father, who then he frantically looked for me.
He finds me by some water bank. I was tearful. he asked me why did I have a gun. I asked him if he knew how it felt to feel worthless. Somehow I was able to feel his rising inpatients.
His voice raised, out of desperation, and asked "Do you want to die???" I replied no, but then told him I felt real bad, and didn't know why nor did I understand why I always felt so bad all the time (In real I felt bad like that, but not suicidal).
I told him it felt like something was forcing me to do this, but I really didn't want to.
He repetitiously kept telling me to put the gun down. "Give me the gun. " I'd refuse and pull away from him.
Emotions we building, anxiety was strong. I'm searching for an explanation. I kept crying, telling and yelling "I FEEL SO BAD ALL THE TIME! Daddy, what do I do? Why, why do I feel bad all the time? Daddy I need and answer". With a quiver in his voice, he says, "I don't know baby. I wish I did, but I don't know".
At some point I got real close to him, and suddenly I was hugging him tightly, sobbing uncontrollably repeating my questions as a child would. Then out of my own mouth, I said "I need my Mom."
He consolingly said,"I know baby, I know. But your mother is sick".
My voice began to raise,"Why does she have to be sick? Why do I have to have a mother who is sick? Why is she sick all the time?" He'd say "I don't know why, baby".
While this played out in my mind, tears began to flood my eyes, because there was some truth to this.
For one thing, I wished my father was more receptive to my pain back then, and had seen my heart so bruised.
Secondly, my Mother was alive, with no cancer; not in a wheel chair; rarely up and about. Most of the time, wasting away in her bed, sleeping her life away. Never taking me for walks, never chatting with me, rarely hugging me, never singing to me, and very scarcely telling me she loved me. I didn't even think she liked me at all. I cry even now as I write this.
I realized, that I felt bad all the time, because of the absence on maternal attention I craved.
In this fantasy, my father understood, hugged and held me, as I cried on his shoulder.
But in reality, I never got that from anyone. So, maybe some of that was because Daddy didn't pay attention either.
The saddest part now is my guilt, of passing this on to my own daughter who is now 14 and as mixed up as I was. The only difference is she found a place to go with it. I never had one. So, it just sat dormant for years and years.
I love her so much though. I try to tell her this every chance I get.
Where I repeated myself, was when she was little, I sat in front of a computer, and shut out the world, including her, even though I was aware of her, I didn't show her much affection even though I know it was in my heart to do so. I just sat there and let it go.
I'm so mad at myself for it. I hate that I did that.
I did hug her and tell her I loved her. But I didn't do it enough, and I never played with her. That was so wrong of me. I can't get those days back. I can remember all the times she asked me to play barbie with her and I didn't. All the times she drug out a game and asked me to play with her, and I didn't. That must have hurt her so bad. I am so ashamed I did that. I really don't deserve her.
Saying sorry will never make up for it. I guess I'm getting what I deserve.
I am so sorry I didn't give her what she so deserved.
All I did was manifested my pain on to her.
Baby Girl, I love you so very much, it hurts. Your my heart, and i love you more then life itself. I waited a long time for you. I know I wasn't a good Mom. But know this baby, I do love you, and I am truly sorry for being such a disappointment.
God Bless you. Please, don't lose your faith.
I fantasize a lot. Sort of my way of coping with things. I have done this since a child. Sometimes the fantasies are of real things that have actually happened, which really just makes them replays of an event, but what I do in many of them is I will recreate the event in my mind, and play it out, sometimes with desired outcomes, other times not so good.
I also have straight up created fantasies, from start to finish. Sometimes I'll throw in some true elements.
Well today was a created fantasy about my mother, though it didn't start out that way.
I was a suicidal teen, and seriously depressed. I had gotten my hands on a gun, and one of my siblings seen me with it, and I ran off with it. The sibling went and told my father, who then he frantically looked for me.
He finds me by some water bank. I was tearful. he asked me why did I have a gun. I asked him if he knew how it felt to feel worthless. Somehow I was able to feel his rising inpatients.
His voice raised, out of desperation, and asked "Do you want to die???" I replied no, but then told him I felt real bad, and didn't know why nor did I understand why I always felt so bad all the time (In real I felt bad like that, but not suicidal).
I told him it felt like something was forcing me to do this, but I really didn't want to.
He repetitiously kept telling me to put the gun down. "Give me the gun. " I'd refuse and pull away from him.
Emotions we building, anxiety was strong. I'm searching for an explanation. I kept crying, telling and yelling "I FEEL SO BAD ALL THE TIME! Daddy, what do I do? Why, why do I feel bad all the time? Daddy I need and answer". With a quiver in his voice, he says, "I don't know baby. I wish I did, but I don't know".
At some point I got real close to him, and suddenly I was hugging him tightly, sobbing uncontrollably repeating my questions as a child would. Then out of my own mouth, I said "I need my Mom."
He consolingly said,"I know baby, I know. But your mother is sick".
My voice began to raise,"Why does she have to be sick? Why do I have to have a mother who is sick? Why is she sick all the time?" He'd say "I don't know why, baby".
While this played out in my mind, tears began to flood my eyes, because there was some truth to this.
For one thing, I wished my father was more receptive to my pain back then, and had seen my heart so bruised.
Secondly, my Mother was alive, with no cancer; not in a wheel chair; rarely up and about. Most of the time, wasting away in her bed, sleeping her life away. Never taking me for walks, never chatting with me, rarely hugging me, never singing to me, and very scarcely telling me she loved me. I didn't even think she liked me at all. I cry even now as I write this.
I realized, that I felt bad all the time, because of the absence on maternal attention I craved.
In this fantasy, my father understood, hugged and held me, as I cried on his shoulder.
But in reality, I never got that from anyone. So, maybe some of that was because Daddy didn't pay attention either.
The saddest part now is my guilt, of passing this on to my own daughter who is now 14 and as mixed up as I was. The only difference is she found a place to go with it. I never had one. So, it just sat dormant for years and years.
I love her so much though. I try to tell her this every chance I get.
Where I repeated myself, was when she was little, I sat in front of a computer, and shut out the world, including her, even though I was aware of her, I didn't show her much affection even though I know it was in my heart to do so. I just sat there and let it go.
I'm so mad at myself for it. I hate that I did that.
I did hug her and tell her I loved her. But I didn't do it enough, and I never played with her. That was so wrong of me. I can't get those days back. I can remember all the times she asked me to play barbie with her and I didn't. All the times she drug out a game and asked me to play with her, and I didn't. That must have hurt her so bad. I am so ashamed I did that. I really don't deserve her.
Saying sorry will never make up for it. I guess I'm getting what I deserve.
I am so sorry I didn't give her what she so deserved.
All I did was manifested my pain on to her.
Baby Girl, I love you so very much, it hurts. Your my heart, and i love you more then life itself. I waited a long time for you. I know I wasn't a good Mom. But know this baby, I do love you, and I am truly sorry for being such a disappointment.
God Bless you. Please, don't lose your faith.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
School is turning into a Nightmare
On the way to school I asked my daughter if she was coming home after school and she outright said no, she was going to her Aunts house, which means I wont see her until late tonight.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Great School Meeting
Off to school Meeting. My daughter is so oblivious as to how serious this matter is. Several absences, and thinks Mom is just gonna have a bag of excuses for her. She is gonna have a rude awakening. She needs a hospital. She is so depressed. She thinks cause she is did all her homework its all better now. She thinks like her father. That's scary as hell. He's a drunk. Although I know she drinks, but not around me, she isn't a drunk, YET. I'm working on her.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Teenagers-Lord have Mercy on Me!
I really need so bible studies on dealing with my teenager. She is a handful.
She is my life and my world. She is doing dangerous things. Its making me want to hospitalize her. She needs to learn how to communicate her bad feeling, I need therapy to learn how to listen and hear her.
We are so clashing. I am have so much to worry about but very little tools to work with.
She is my life and my world. She is doing dangerous things. Its making me want to hospitalize her. She needs to learn how to communicate her bad feeling, I need therapy to learn how to listen and hear her.
We are so clashing. I am have so much to worry about but very little tools to work with.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Can you drink alcohol and still be right with God? Yes, you can.
The bible says the average person can drink. He does seem to discourage really strong drinks. But his issue is, being a drunkard. Don't drink so much that you loose yourself completely. Don't live in the bottle.
The ones he really has issues with is people of Authority. People who are in charge of making decisions. Those are the ones he really has a problem with drinking. He wants them to have a sober and clear mind at all times.
Kings and Princes, Priests and Prophets were all Men of authority in the bible days, and they would be equivalent to all our Government leaders, and Church leaders.
Proverbs 31:4-7 (King James Version)
4 It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink:
Ecclesiastes 10:17 (King James Version)
17 Blessed art thou, O land, when thy king is the son of nobles, and thy princes eat in due season, for strength, and not for drunkenness!
Proverbs 31:5
5 Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.
Hosea 4:11 (King James Version)
11 Whoredom and wine and new wine take away the heart.
Isaiah 28:7 (King James Version)
7 But they also have erred through wine, and through strong drink are out of the way; the priest and the prophet have erred through strong drink, they are swallowed up of wine, they are out of the way through strong drink; they err in vision, they stumble in judgment.
Proverbs 20:1 (King James Version)
1 Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.
Isaiah 56:10-12 (King James Version)
10 His watchmen are blind: they are all ignorant, they are all dumb dogs, they cannot bark; sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber.
11 Yea, they are greedy dogs which can never have enough, and they are shepherds that cannot understand: they all look to their own way, every one for his gain, from his quarter.
12 Come ye, say they, I will fetch wine, and we will fill ourselves with strong drink; and to morrow shall be as this day, and much more abundant.
Proverbs 31:6
6 Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.
Psalm 104:15 (King James Version)
15 And wine that maketh glad the heart of man, and oil to make his face to shine, and bread which strengtheneth man's heart.
Judges 9:13 (King James Version)
13 And the vine said unto them, Should I leave my wine, which cheereth God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees?
Proverbs 31:7
7 Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
1 Corinthians 5:11 (King James Version)
11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolator, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.
Matthew 18:17 (King James Version)
17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
Romans 16:17 (King James Version)
17 Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.
1 Corinthians 11:21 (King James Version)
21 For in eating every one taketh before other his own supper: and one is hungry, and another is drunken.
1 Thessalonians 5:6-7 (King James Version)
6 Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober.
7 For they that sleep sleep in the night; and they that be drunken are drunken in the night.
Luke 21:34 (King James Version)
34 And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting, and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares.
Acts 2:15 (King James Version)
15 For these are not drunken, as ye suppose, seeing it is but the third hour of the day.
Romans 13:13 (King James Version)
13 Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying.
The ones he really has issues with is people of Authority. People who are in charge of making decisions. Those are the ones he really has a problem with drinking. He wants them to have a sober and clear mind at all times.
Kings and Princes, Priests and Prophets were all Men of authority in the bible days, and they would be equivalent to all our Government leaders, and Church leaders.
Proverbs 31:4-7 (King James Version)
4 It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink:
Ecclesiastes 10:17 (King James Version)
17 Blessed art thou, O land, when thy king is the son of nobles, and thy princes eat in due season, for strength, and not for drunkenness!
Proverbs 31:5
5 Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.
Hosea 4:11 (King James Version)
11 Whoredom and wine and new wine take away the heart.
Isaiah 28:7 (King James Version)
7 But they also have erred through wine, and through strong drink are out of the way; the priest and the prophet have erred through strong drink, they are swallowed up of wine, they are out of the way through strong drink; they err in vision, they stumble in judgment.
Proverbs 20:1 (King James Version)
1 Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.
Isaiah 56:10-12 (King James Version)
10 His watchmen are blind: they are all ignorant, they are all dumb dogs, they cannot bark; sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber.
11 Yea, they are greedy dogs which can never have enough, and they are shepherds that cannot understand: they all look to their own way, every one for his gain, from his quarter.
12 Come ye, say they, I will fetch wine, and we will fill ourselves with strong drink; and to morrow shall be as this day, and much more abundant.
Proverbs 31:6
6 Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.
Psalm 104:15 (King James Version)
15 And wine that maketh glad the heart of man, and oil to make his face to shine, and bread which strengtheneth man's heart.
Judges 9:13 (King James Version)
13 And the vine said unto them, Should I leave my wine, which cheereth God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees?
Proverbs 31:7
7 Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
1 Corinthians 5:11 (King James Version)
11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolator, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.
Matthew 18:17 (King James Version)
17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
Romans 16:17 (King James Version)
17 Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.
1 Corinthians 11:21 (King James Version)
21 For in eating every one taketh before other his own supper: and one is hungry, and another is drunken.
1 Thessalonians 5:6-7 (King James Version)
6 Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober.
7 For they that sleep sleep in the night; and they that be drunken are drunken in the night.
Luke 21:34 (King James Version)
34 And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting, and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares.
Acts 2:15 (King James Version)
15 For these are not drunken, as ye suppose, seeing it is but the third hour of the day.
Romans 13:13 (King James Version)
13 Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Study of the 10 Commandments
Exodus 20:1-26 (King James Version)
Exodus 20
1 And God spake all these words, saying,
2 I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
6 And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
7 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
8 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
9 Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:
11 For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
13 Thou shalt not kill.
14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.
15 Thou shalt not steal.
16 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.
18 And all the people saw the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people saw it, they removed, and stood afar off.
19 And they said unto Moses, Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we die.
20 And Moses said unto the people, Fear not: for God is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye sin not.
21 And the people stood afar off, and Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was.
22 And the LORD said unto Moses, Thus thou shalt say unto the children of Israel, Ye have seen that I have talked with you from heaven.
23 Ye shall not make with me gods of silver, neither shall ye make unto you gods of gold.
24 An altar of earth thou shalt make unto me, and shalt sacrifice thereon thy burnt offerings, and thy peace offerings, thy sheep, and thine oxen: in all places where I record my name I will come unto thee, and I will bless thee.
25 And if thou wilt make me an altar of stone, thou shalt not build it of hewn stone: for if thou lift up thy tool upon it, thou hast polluted it.
26 Neither shalt thou go up by steps unto mine altar, that thy nakedness be not discovered thereon.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Not quite a year later but close enough
I haven't posted in a while. But nothing has changed much, my daughter is more like a teenager then ever before, and boy what a handful she is. She has given me a summer full of issues which I wont list here since this is an open forum. But kids are kids, and Moms are Moms. I can't wait until she gets through this ornery stage. It won't come a day too soon.
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